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 JOKE OF THE DAY-POINTS FOR SPIT COFFEE ON YER KEYBOARD STUFF 
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Probably a repost but still funny.

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did "

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down...

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64 !! :shocked4: What the hell did you sell ?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

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Mon Jun 06, 2022 3:02 pm
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.....

Cornfucious say "man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day...".

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Mon Jun 06, 2022 6:02 pm
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A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was I born?”
The father answers,
“Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You've got male!'”

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Thu Jun 23, 2022 6:11 am
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I was reading some post about veterans and thought of a funny true story! I didn't witness this personally, but have heard it from several sources, Years ago not long after WW2 Sun Refinery had about 1200+ employees, when I went to work there in 1977 we had about 600, I think. the supervisors back years ago would have a meal catered into the Refinery, at noon, and call this a business meeting, of the 20/30 top supervisors to justify the expense. This was nothing more than a good hot meal, and bull session. All these guys had been involved in WW2, except one older masn, that was a veteran of WW1! This old man listened to war stories every day for months, and finely one day he said, you guys in WW2, were a bunch of sissies compared to GREAT WAR combat. We had it much tougher than you guys did in WW2! Naturally someone spoke up and ask, what did you do in the GREAT WAR? The old man replied I was a paratrooper! One guy said, wait a minute, the parachute wasn't invented until 1923! To which the old man replied, SEE WHAT I MEAN?



In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas." The next day, an American soldier called out, "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back, "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead. The next day the Americans shouted again, "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead. This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers and were now finally catching on.

The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Americans. Thus, a German asked, "What is a popular American name?" "John!" replied another. The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted, "John!?" An American called back, "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Americans won WWI.

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Fri Jul 08, 2022 1:46 pm
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Due to high inflation pose 69 is called 96 now.

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Tue Jul 12, 2022 11:35 am
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To the guy in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket; you can hide, but you can’t run!

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Sun Jul 24, 2022 6:39 am
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Twofer...


1. A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. The waiter explains they have good taste. The meatballs are actually the bull testicles from the bull fight earlier that day. The fella says, "they really look good, we’ll have the same."
"Oh, sorry senor but there is only one serving each day. If you come early and place your order tomorrow morning, we will hold them for you."

The couple come in the next evening and are served the platter with the “meatballs”. The guy calls the waiter over and says, "these are really good but they are much smaller than the “meatballs” on the platter yesterday."

The waiter replies, "sorry senor, but sometimes the bull wins."

2. A family went to a nudist camp for their vacation.

The young son came back to the tent and said, "Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls. They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well," his mother sniffs. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again. "You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there. They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man."

"Really?" the boy said, frowning with puzzlement. "We might be in trouble, Mom."

"Why, honey?"

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute.

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Sun Jul 24, 2022 7:14 am
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Food shortage 101: You can tell that surgery went well if there are some leftovers after all!


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Mon Jul 25, 2022 5:58 pm
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Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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Sun Aug 14, 2022 5:09 am
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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "*dang* you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

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Tue Aug 16, 2022 6:11 am
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Diamondback wrote:
A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.
The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "*dang* you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

Image

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Tue Aug 16, 2022 6:18 am
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LOL this definitely a joke. I didn't know Liz Cheney had a sense of humor.

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Tue Aug 16, 2022 10:31 am
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http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/...e ... story.html

They got him. Just as I feared they would.

My nephew Kyle came to live with us this summer after his freshman year of college. Apparently, he’s now a deputized member of the cultural-appropriation police.

He hadn’t even unpacked his massive bag of dirty laundry when he made a snide comment about the three straw hats hanging in our hallway collected during our years living in Southeast Asia.

The next day when Kyle and I were backing out of the driveway and I called out “Adios” to my neighbor, Kyle mumbled, “Appropriate much?”

But then the following Saturday, I overheard Kyle ask my wife if we had any sunscreen he could borrow. “Brenna and I are going kayaking.”

I poked my head around the corner. “Mmm. Kayaks. You mean that watercraft appropriated from the Inuit people of the Arctic region?”

Quick on his feet, Kyle recovered and retorted, “I meant to say we’re renting canoes.”

“As in the canoe that was developed by the indigenous people of North America?”

Stymied, Kyle canceled his plans. He and Brenna spent the day sitting quietly on a park bench.

The following Monday our neighbor offered Kyle 50 bucks to move a mound of dirt into his backyard. I was glad to see the boy working. But when I saw he’d helped himself to the wheelbarrow from my shed, I couldn’t help myself.

“Whatcha doing there, McFly?”

“Moving this dirt for some quick cash.”

“Using a wheelbarrow?”

“Yup.”

He continued shoveling.

“As in the one-wheeled cart invented by the Chinese?”

Kyle looked at me for a long moment as he processed this information before finally lowering the handles of the wheelbarrow.

He switched to lugging the dirt in a five-gallon bucket. It took him the rest of the afternoon. The job worked out to four dollars an hour.

The next day he was so stiff and sore, Brenna suggested they go stretch out at “Yoga in the Park.” Until I pointed out yoga is a sacred practice rooted in Hinduism.

Brenna went by herself.

My wife told me to leave the poor boy alone. But hey, as his uncle, I feel it’s my job to help him live out his passionately held core values.

In the summer our family eats most of our dinners on the deck which is conveniently located off our kitchen. Well convenient for most of us. Not for Kyle. Once I pointed out that modern architects got their inspiration for the sliding glass door from the Japanese shoji, Kyle stopped using our sliding door. You know, it having been appropriated and all.

At dinnertime Kyle now goes out through the garage, runs down the hill on the side of the house, jumps the fence, cuts through the hedges, and climbs the stairs to the deck. I get exhausted just watching him.

Once when it was his turn to help prep for dinner, he made seven trips. One of them after we’d all sat down. I pointed out he’d forgotten to bring the salt shaker.

Last week, prompted by a text from his mother, Kyle came home with birthday flowers for my wife. Anticipating my efforts to help him rout out all cultural appropriation from his life, Kyle brought home tulips. We are Dutch-Americans, after all. As he walked past me he beamed victoriously, pointed at the flowers, and boldly declared, “Dutch.”

“Um, Kyle.”

He paused. His confidence seemed to waver ever so slightly.

“Tulips aren’t native to the Netherlands. The Dutch first imported them from Turkey in the 1500s.” Kyle’s shoulders sagged. His face darkened. He lowered the flowers to his side.

The next morning I found the bouquet on top of our compost pile. I tried to lighten Kyle’s spirits by taking him out for lunch. He attempted to order a jumbo fries until I pointed out the word jumbo comes from the Swahili “jambo.”

He ordered a small.

But it didn’t matter. Shortly after we sat down, he refused to eat his fries. I may have mentioned something about potatoes not being native to North America or Europe. They originate from South America.

He pushed his fries toward me and focused his attention on his sweet tea. Until I asked him how Southerners might feel about him — a Northerner — appropriating their regional drink.

I used his sweet tea to wash down his fries.

Most weeks, his less-woke friends go out for Taco Tuesdays, but not Kyle. No more hummus. No more bagels. No mo’ pho. Poor Kyle. Living the unappropriated life is tough business.

Whenever it rains, Kyle gets soaked. No more umbrellas for him. Chinese.

Kyle has stopped binge watching “The Walking Dead” once I mentioned the word for, and the concept of, zombies were appropriated from West Africa.

Kyle was taking a summer math course at the community college. But he dropped out. It was just too hard. His homework was taking all evening. He was doing all his assignments using Roman numerals since Arabic numerals are … well, Arabic.

These days, Kyle doesn’t go out or do much of anything. He was spending the majority of his time in the basement curled up on the futon he'd lugged home from college until someone — I'm not going to say who — pointed out that futons are Japanese. Now he just spends his waking hours curled up on the floor in a wad of blankets.

Last time I checked on him, he was whimpering quietly to himself. It’s been a rough summer to be Kyle.

Me? Oh, I’m doing fine, thank you very much. I am sitting here (guilt free, mind you) in my Hawaiian shirt, sipping my Tusker lager from Kenya, and listening to Bob Marley.

Life is good. Good, indeed.

Jack VanNoord was a classroom teacher for 30 years. He lives with his wife in the suburbs of Chicago. He is the author of the family travel memoir “Hope They Like Rice.”

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Fri Aug 26, 2022 2:19 pm
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:ROFLMAO:

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Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu

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Fri Aug 26, 2022 8:10 pm
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 bad side Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."
....I love these touching stories !!!

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Sun Sep 11, 2022 11:55 am
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