A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

What if it's the person that's the joke, and they just don't know it?

Yes, this 'he/him', that has 'defund the police' crap all over their twittersphere, decided to ask police for help, for the scary looking F650 in Portland....

Ignorance of the law at its finest...
4" wide flat surface width of the vehicle bumpers are legal
Mudflaps pass centerline of the axle also legal
Dually fenders covering tires completely legal
Headlight and tail light hight stock so legal
License and insurance assumed since he has the money for f650
No trailer or anything in the bed so assume under weight and no need for cdl even if it has air brakes so legal
Seems Washington state legal to me

My wife asked me to forward it to her!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a Dear John type letter from his girlfriend. You know the type if you have ever been in a long distance relationship of any sort, especially having served overseas for any length of time. Mail is often coveted and their only means of communication with their world back home.

The girlfriend – Becky’s letter read as follows –

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you’ve been gone and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love, Becky

The Marine – Ricky – was naturally hurt considering the way the letter reads. Who wouldn’t be? You develop a relationship and feelings for someone, make promises, and you have certain expectations as a result. Apparently, Becky never got the memo on absence makes the heart grow fonder.

So with hurt feelings and a long way from home, serving his country, Ricky proceeds to ask all his buddies for pictures. Any snapshots they could spare of current girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, wives, aunts, cousins, mothers, sisters, and any other remotely attractive female photo that he could locate. In addition to the photo of Becky, Ricky included 57 other photos of all the beautiful females he was able to get from his fellow Marine brothers. He included all of them in the envelope with the letter he wrote in response to Becky:

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who the heck you are. Please take your picture from the pile and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

There once was a man from Nantucket who had a cock so long he could suck it,
As he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt I'd fuck it.

What do they call a Mexican woman with no legs?

CUNTSWAYLOW

Taken from another website:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office.
About once a year they send us a complete prick.'

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently, waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of scruffy-bearded, young men shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember George Floyd" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me. Suddenly, they yelled, "Defund the police" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran, directly, over their car, crushing it, completely,and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that coulda been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Brilliant!

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

The other day I asked Sportsdad, that guy on here from Montana, how many sexual partners he's had...

He started counting and after a minute or so he fell asleep

A man forgot to zip his pants coming out of the bathroom at a fancy restaurant.

A well-to-do lady saw this and told him politely, "Sir, you left your garage door open."

The man gives her a naughty smile, zips his trousers, and replies: "Did you catch a glimpse of my supercharged Range Rover parked inside?"

The lady smiles back and says, "Nope, but I saw a Smart Car with two flat tires."