So I moved (five houses down...) and my new neighbour of two months has two boys of her own and takes care of her brother's daughter, "Jill" (name redacted for her privacy), 14 years old. Jill's mum died of a drug overdose a few years ago, and her father has Huntington's. Additionally, Jill has very mild (read: not evident most of the time) FAS.

Jill has formed a close bond with me and with the boys--I drive her into school with Sam every morning, and she comes over here after school to do her homework and probably eats with us 5-7 times per week. I've randomly said that if there's anything her aunt needs, if Jill wanted to stay here or something, we have room.

So this morning her aunt and I were talking, aunt is going through a messy divorce, and she straight up asks me if I'd be interested in adopting Jill. Not having her stay with me, but adopting her. It's still sinking in and of course I'm not going to talk to the boys about it for awhile and definitely not before I talk with an adoption attorney, but just wondering if anyone else has experience with adopting/fostering an older child and/or a child with special needs.

Thank you in advance for your time and consideration.

it sounds like you already have a good relationship with Jill, so that is a very good start.
i adopted my kids when they were born, so i cannot help there. but expect the adoption process to be grueling. and maddening. take a step back and calm down when it gets to much. good luck

I am the oldest of six, four of which are adopted so I have been through the process and have seen it first hand.

Good on you for even considering this, but I do have one thought. Personally I think it would be a bit odd to formally adopt her, but to not have her live with you. But that's just my .02

My experience is all second hand. The biggest heartbreak I have seen is family members undoing the adoption and taking them. I'm sure a competent attorney can insure this won't happen. They (the family) have to give up their rights to do so.

It sounds like you're doing it for all the right reasons. I hope and pray it works out!

Not that I know anything about the process, but adoption seems a bit premature at this point.... Can you look into being assigned custody or guardianship? It may be a quicker and easier path, and undo-able if things change (hopefully for the better) in the future.

Oh.... and kudos for stepping in and helping someone in need

No, she'd be living with me.

Never considered the guardianship angle. Her father is prepared to surrender custodial rights. Looking now for an adoption attorney, have a couple telephone interviews set up for later today.

I guess my fear is that if I just let her stay here, with no formal legal agreement, it'd be devastating to myself and to the boys if she suddenly decided to go live elsewhere. It's also kind of crazy important that she knows, legally, that I'm her mother. Her aunt is not dealing super well with her divorce and I know neither she nor Jill like Jill living over there.

Talked to my pastor a bit ago. She says that maybe this is G-d's way of giving me the daughter with whom I was never blessed. I don't know.

The only experiences I have with this are all bad (really, really, really - beyond belief bad). However, I have a buddy who was adopted when he was 11 (he and his sister) and it was great for him and his parents.

So my thought is that its going to depend on you and the child. The big factor between the experiences I mentioned above seemed to be childhood trauma. In my buddies' case, his birth parents were good people killed in a car accident. In the direct experiences, the children always suffered some sort of direct trauma that wasn't dealt with.

I'd try to find out if the girl has suffered some form of abuse (mental, physical, sexual) and make sure that she (and you) got counseling for that.

double tap

Maybe I mis-understood? Keep in mind, if you adopt her and she has special needs the services she needs might end up coming out of your pocket and not the state's if its currently structured that way.


All in all good on you, having stability in a childs life is a fantastic thing.

Oh, I see. No, I meant, I'd offered Jill a place to stay earlier--have an unused fifth bedroom--and it took me off guard that her aunt would ask if I would consider adopting her, as opposed to just having her stay over some nights.

No history of sexual or physical abuse, more benign neglect. She's already well-established in counseling. My oldest has already taken on a sort of big brother role with her, shepherding her through the first days of her freshman year at high school, helping her out with her studies and whatnot. I don't expect this to be easy but it is probably the right thing to do.

Make sure he doesn't end up like my cousin. Her mom is also her mother-in-law. Seriously. I'll let you figure that one out.

I am not an expert by far on this topic what so ever. There is mention of a guardianship type of thing? Could you be a "Foster" parent? If you go through the legal process, I believe this could take a period of time and substantial amount of money. Also, I think of the girls age. I understand that you want to be her "Mother" or be in that role, that is very great and noble.

But I think of my stepson, who when he turned 18, decided he wanted to do what he wanted to do. At that age, they are a legal adult and can do what they want. He decided to move in with his biological Father.

Not saying that this is your situation, but you said you want her to know you would be her Mother. Legal advice would be key in this situation. Good luck as this will be ongoing and look forward to hearing what comes up.

My parents always had a houseful, and so did we (30 years of various kids, with only two being our own)...but the kids we took in were always free to go home, if their home life became more stable. None ever rose to the level of adoption, but we're still blessed to have many kids still call us "mom and dad".

I'd be inclined to consider a series of escalating steps. Maybe a co-guardianship with biologic parents, moving to full guardianship, and then adoption if all goes well. You don't need to adopt to have a daughter...you just have to be a mom. Recalling some of your prior posts, I get the sense you're an awesome mom already.

A consult with someone not attached with heart strings is in order, for both a sanity and financial check.

Yah...no. Sam has no interest in Jill in that way. He has a lovely girlfriend, a girl who graduated last year and now attends UW. Yes, he was a sophomore dating a senior last year. Sam has the same moral compass that his mother has (or perhaps he just relies on mine). The two younger ones long since started considering Jill their "little" sister (okay, so my boys are freakishly tall) and by the time they get out of the "girls are scary" stage, Jill will be firmly entrenched as either being their sister or having the status of a sister.

Nate, thank you for the input. All, I've found (I think--meeting her tomorrow) an adoption attorney, and yah, she thinks the escalating authority thing is probably a good idea, especially given that my SO and I still want to have biological children.

FAS? You work at Boeing? Everything is an acronym here.
What does it mean?