Marriage is sharing



The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.



He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.



He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.



Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'



As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.



People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..



Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'



Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered



(Continue below - This is great)



















'THE TEETH.'

Scary, I can relate....

A. A. A. D. D. – Classic Retirement Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: They need to be watered.
I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flower vase, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed.
The bills aren’t paid.
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface.
The flowers don’t have enough water.
There is still only one check in my checkbook.
I can’t find the TV remote.
I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email.
P.S. I just remembered I left the water running…

A man is driving and runs over a woman.

Whose fault is it?

Spoiler: show

The man's fault, for driving into a kitchen.

Trump's fault he drove into the kitchen.

Told my boss I needed time off as my wife had been murdered.
He said: "Oh my God! How much time will you need?"

I told him: "About 10 years with good behavior."

Johnny Cash

"A boy named Sue", 1969

2023 has a totally different meaning.



Beatles

"She's a woman", from 1964.

Remake 2023, "He's a woman".



Arrowsmith

"Dude looks like a lady" 1987

Lady looks like a dude, 2023.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a saleslady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard that he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

Subject: The Rabbi is leaving


At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that, because of his growing family, he was planning to leave
for a larger congregation that would pay him more.
There was a hush within the congregation.
He was so popular, no one wanted him to leave.

Fred Shapiro, who owned several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stood up and proclaimed,
"If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighed in appreciation and applauded.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stood and said,
"If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stood up, smiled and announced, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There was total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, stood up & asked her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, was trying to hide, holding his forehead with the
palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F$@k him!

Seen adjacent to the exhaust stack on a semi that just passed me:

"Excuse Me, I Have Gas"

From [gasp!] another forum:

"The main function of the little toe is to make sure the furniture is properly aligned."

I WISH this was a joke. From "AntiCommie32" on Twitter...
https://twitter.com/anti_commie32/statu ... FUrVg&s=33

Nightmare time: just think, these people VOTE! And probably at least three times each...

Epsilons need jerbs too.

Reminds me of the story where a guy, transporting the kid and some teammates after a game, went to pick up a bag of burgers at the local grease pit. Ordered a dozen. Received ten. When he complained to the teenage kid at the counter, said employee said---with great confidence---"Uh, ten IS a dozen!"

THAT's time to speak to a manager.

Watching the cashier at Winco tender cash for the guy in front of me.
$10.38

Customer hands in $11.00

Can't remember why cashier didn't just plug that into the register and let it do the math...

Cashier is trying to figure out how much change to return. Manager comes over and gets a confuseded look on her face. Pulls out her phone and opens calculator.