This one can be taken two different ways.

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat,picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

That afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN and FOX reported:

"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada


Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care.



Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.






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Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.



Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.



You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs', as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.



Cordially
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

I think we should adopt the same program here. After the prisoners in Afghan custody are dealt with we should follow on with a similar program for "Lifer's" who are being held in our own prisons.

Lib's seem to think we have far to large a percentage of our population locked up so maybe a good solution would be for those same Lib's to take one into their own home to see to it that they are humanely cared for. In return the government will pay any related funeral expenses should anything go wrong.

Uh, you know this letter is fake as hell, right?

REALLY??? It can't be fake, I found on the internet!

Uh yeah. But wouldn't it be nice to try what I suggested?

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monk graciously accepts him, feeds him dinner, and even fixes his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monk accepts him, feeds him, and even fixes his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monk replies, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monk reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monk leads the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

but you are a ass

You can't tell us because you do not know. There is no way there is only 145 Billion blades of grass on earth.

Going back to the days when there was the County Mental Hospital:


A farmer was towing a manure spreader behind his tractor along a county road. The tractor sputtered to a stop right in front of the County Mental Hospital.
The grounds were surrounded by a tall and after the farmer started working on his tractor, hammering here, banging there, and cussing a lot, he started to grow a crowd of patients.

After a while one of the patients shouted at the farmer "What's that behind your tractor".

Farmer responded "it's a manure spreader full of cow shit".

The patient shared this with his fellow "inmates" and after a few moments he went to the fence and shouted "What're you going to do with it?"

Farmer answered "I'm taking it to my field to put it on my strawberries".

Patient went to his friends and they conversed a little then went back to the fence and shouted at the farmer "They want to know why we're locked up here because we like Milk and Sugar on OUR strawberries".

Must be the same mental facility.
Guy had a flat tire and stopped next to an irrigation ditch to change the flat. As he removed the lug nuts, he placed them in the hub cap. He installed the new tire and reached for the lug nuts, but hit the hub cap and dumped them into the ditch.
He sat there on the edge of tears when one of the inmates who were watching, asked what the problem was. I lost the lug nuts he responded, and now I cannot finish putting the tire back on.
The inmate replied, there are 5 lug nuts on each wheel, take one from each wheel and use them to replace the flat. The driver was incredible that the problem was solved by an inmate in a mental institution, and said " that is incredible, how did you think of that?" The inmate replied "we are in here for being crazy, not stupid."

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN Buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male wearing a burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn...Safe at last. Isn’t modern life great?

I guess we can thank the Lib's for giving all that to our society. Seems out of whack to me but do what works best

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

Spoiler: show

On the condition he gets to install windows.

News flash. If he does that, I guarantee you it won't work. Should buy a Mac instead.