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 JOKE OF THE DAY-POINTS FOR SPIT COFFEE ON YER KEYBOARD STUFF 
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What are similarities between DHS and a vagina?








One wrong move with your tongue and you're in deep shit!


Fri Feb 17, 2017 7:20 pm
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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."


Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"


The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."


Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.


She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.


He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."


He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
(scroll down)



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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I Believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes. I believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."
William Tyler Page 1917


Mon Feb 27, 2017 2:51 pm
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Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.....


At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the petite and very pretty Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a huge smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex, sex, sex, wan free sex for tonight".

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard the conversation, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."


Wed Mar 08, 2017 6:17 am
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A guy was talking to his buddy about the Million Man March and asked him if 1 million lesbians should have joined in solidarity. His buddy replied --Then there would have been 2 million people attending that didn't do dick.


Wed Mar 08, 2017 7:42 am
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,

“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men:

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

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"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."- Hunter S. Thompson


Wed Mar 08, 2017 12:44 pm
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sportsdad60 wrote:
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare,

“It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men:

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.



Telling Blonde Jokes within my blonde wife's hearing often led to periods of celibacy too.

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"I've learned from the Dog that an afternoon nap is a good thing"

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"For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother
" - William Shakespeare


Wed Mar 08, 2017 5:48 pm
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comments from discussion on ZH about left pushing for a civil war:

Quote:
Here are some reasons why the left will never start a civil war:

1) Terrified of guns.

2) Don't want strangers walking in their gated communities in California

3) Need to do an environmental impact study first

4) Can't form a battalion without diversity and sensitivity training first

5) Need to establish a supply route through Whole Foods for deployed troops

6) Concerned that latrines be accessible to men, women, women that were once men, men that have women friends but like to fvkc men, and women who were born men but now identify as marsupials.

7) Need a place to store their "end the civil war" protest signs while waging the war

8) Demand $15/hour for newly enlisted troops

9) Must enlist all foreign troops and provide them full benefits including education for their kids

10) Can't charge into battle wearing skinny jeans and a stocking cap.


:ROFLMAO:


Wed Mar 08, 2017 7:03 pm
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11) Can't stoop to drinking a half-caf quad soy sugar-free vanilla gluten-free latte with Madagascar cinnamon sprinkles out of a canteen cup in a muddy foxhole.

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Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:35 am
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hkcavalier wrote:
11) Can't stoop to drinking a half-caf quad soy sugar-free vanilla gluten-free latte with Madagascar cinnamon sprinkles out of a canteen cup in a muddy foxhole.

12) Need a safe zone to shoot up heroin.

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"The beauty of the Second Amendment is that it will not be needed until they try to take it." Thomas Jefferson
"Evil often triumphs, but never conquers." Joseph Roux


Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:13 pm
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Real Name: George Bailey
An English tourist was driving through the windy
land of Wyoming when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a sheep.

A few miles further on he came upon a small town,
so he parked his car and went into the Bar for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.
He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, "what sort of country is this? A few miles back down the road there was this guy having sex with a sheep and now that guy in the corner is furiously masturbating in full view of everyone."

The bartender said, "You heartless English bastard.
He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

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"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:32 am
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Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man a fishing pole, and he will drink too much beer, get tangled in fish line, hook himself in the nose casting, fall overboard, and either drown, or, go home hungry and wet. Give a man a case of dynamite, and he will feed the whole town for a year!



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:12 pm
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BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS…

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! ... She was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING FRED; FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!!'

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Tue Mar 21, 2017 5:51 pm
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A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"



About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen ghosts?"



About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to ghosts?"



About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched ghosts?"



Three students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to ghosts?"



Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.



The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to ghosts. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with ghosts?"


Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

_________________
FREE MEN do not need permission

I Believe in the United States of America as a government of the people, for the people; whose just powers are derived from the consent of the governed; a democracy in a republic; a sovereign Nation of many sovereign States; a perfect union, one and inseparable; established upon those principles of freedom, equality, justice, and humanity for which American patriots sacrificed their lives and fortunes. I believe it is my duty to my country to love it, to support its Constitution, to obey its laws, to respect its flag, and to defend it against all enemies."
William Tyler Page 1917


Tue Apr 18, 2017 9:20 pm
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I have not checked this out but regardless it' a correct definition of Political Correctness.

This is Priceless

What is meant by the modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’?

The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri.
The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender
Agreement in September 1945..
The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!

(1) Tokyo, Japan
0800-September 1,1945

To: President Harry S Truman

From: General D A MacArthur

Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and
sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?

(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur

From: H S Truman

Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your
obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of
the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks
are fundamentally not politically correct!

(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945

To: H S Truman

From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz

Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused,
exactly what does the term politically correct mean?

(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a
delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that
it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end!


Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum
and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full
understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really
means…..

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‘What’s the point of being a citizen if an illegal gets all the benefits’


Tue Apr 25, 2017 2:20 pm
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THE WHITE BABY

Once, in an African village, a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face.
"My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white
person witin 100 miles of here!"

The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure.
"Look at those goats over there," the missionary said, pointing at the village's livestock.
"All of them are white, except for that black one over there. Sometimes nature works in mysterious ways."

The native's eyes widened, and he nodded at the missionary.
"I understand, sir. I'll stop talking about the white baby..." and here his voice dropped to a whisper."...
And you stop talking about the black goat."

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‘What’s the point of being a citizen if an illegal gets all the benefits’


Thu May 25, 2017 8:48 am
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