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 JOKE OF THE DAY-POINTS FOR SPIT COFFEE ON YER KEYBOARD STUFF 
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Location: Tacoma Wa
Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013
Posts: 16607
Real Name: George Bailey
Ops wrote:
it might not be funny , but I bet you spit all over your keyboard.

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I thought there were COC rules against your dick pics on Wagun.

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:37 am
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Real Name: Reid
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?""No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?"

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage"

_________________
"If it doesn't work, the proper sequence of tools is duct tape->screwdriver->hammer->shotgun. If none of that fixes it, it wasn't meant to work in the first place."

I am free because I say I am. My freedom is not dependent on any government benefit or piece of legislation. My rights are inherent in the fact that I was born a sovereign being. They are non-negotiable. The government can list them and protect them, but my rights are not theirs to give away.

Yolo: Because idiots don't know what "carpe diem" means.

What, do you think I`m an amateur? You think this is Amateur hour? I`m covered in broken glass and hatred. You think someone would want to anger that with a Vz? - Fjordforder


Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:15 pm
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Location: Tacoma Wa
Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013
Posts: 16607
Real Name: George Bailey
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on
it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What's the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

Swim Meet

In the swim-meet, after
the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges
that all the other girls were using their arms.

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Fri Jul 28, 2017 3:55 pm
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Location: Lynnwood and at large
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Real Name: Vick Lagina
You know you are a Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are,
‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And in closing....

Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the
local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”

_________________
“Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith

"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams

“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu

FJB


Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:05 am
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Location: East of Japan, not by much.
Joined: Fri Jun 3, 2011
Posts: 12989
> Redman was seated next to a lawyer on his recent long flight from new yaawk back to paradise.
>
> The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on this guy with ease.
>
> So, the lawyer asks if Redman would like to play a fun game.
>
> Redman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks
>
> The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.
>
> This catches Redman's attention so.... to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
>
> The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
>
> Redman doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
>
> Now, it's the Redman's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
>
> The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
>
> He wakes Redman and hands him $500. Redman deep pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
>
> The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes Redman and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
>
> Redman reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

_________________
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man a fishing pole, and he will drink too much beer, get tangled in fish line, hook himself in the nose casting, fall overboard, and either drown, or, go home hungry and wet. Give a man a case of dynamite, and he will feed the whole town for a year!



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Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:29 am
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Real Name: Brian
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase “You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .’

And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’

_________________
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."- Hunter S. Thompson


Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:51 am
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Real Name: Michael
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

After a few moments have passed, the man puts his cap back on and returns to his golfing.

“Wow,” his friend utters, “that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man replies, “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.”

_________________
ANZAC wrote:
That one that says "From my cold dead hands..... will require a background check"


He who does not punish evil commands it to be done. --- Leonardo DaVinci

When its time to go in:
That place of steel and stone. I pray that you will keep me safe, so I will not walk alone. Help me to do my duty, please watch me on my rounds.
Amongst those perilous places and slamming steel door sounds. God, keep my fellow Officers well and free from harm. Let them know I'll be there too, whenever there's alarm.
Above all when I walk my beat, no matter where I roam. Let me go back whence I came, to family and home

Author unknown.


Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:26 am
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Real Name: Vick Lagina
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 note fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me £20 or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

_________________
“Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith

"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams

“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu

FJB


Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:41 pm
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Location: Tacoma Wa
Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013
Posts: 16607
Real Name: George Bailey
Subject: The Perfect Husband ...



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes.

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”
MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: “$90,000."

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: "OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?"

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Wed Aug 23, 2017 5:25 am
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Real Name: Vick Lagina
The Magic Mirror:

Once there was a magical mirror. When you told the truth it gave you things, but if you lie to it, it makes you vanish forever. One day three women went to the mirror.

The red head said "I think I'm the smartest one." Then she received a doctorate from a prestigious Ivy League school and a job offer from the number one fortune 500 firm in the world.

The brunette then said "I think I'm the prettiest one." Then she got a Corvette, mansion, a good looking boyfriend, and a lot of money.

Then the blonde said " I think...*poof*" Then she suddenly disappeared forever.

_________________
“Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith

"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams

“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu

FJB


Sat Aug 26, 2017 7:29 am
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Real Name: chris
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
...
"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry , but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Pepito, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have

to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

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Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:26 pm
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Adam asked God: "Why did you make Eve so pretty?"

God said: "So you would love her."

So Adam asked: "Why did you make her so STUPID?"

and God said: "So that she would love YOU".

_________________
“Finding ‘common ground’ with the thinking of evil men is a fool’s errand” ~ Herschel Smith

"The said Constitution shall never be construed to authorize Congress to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms." ~ Samuel Adams

“A return to First Principles in a Republic is sometimes caused by simple virtues of a single man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example. Before all else, be armed!” ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Láodòng zhèng zhūwèi zìyóu

FJB


Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:09 pm
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Location: Tacoma Wa
Joined: Tue Oct 8, 2013
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Real Name: George Bailey
Yeah thats a good one.....

Like why do they make 2yr olds so cute?

So you dont strangle them when the take magic markers to your walls.

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:02 pm
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Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway.

They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma.

" Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"



............................................................................................................................................................................................................................


little long....


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer -- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand....kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.



.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................





LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem........A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.. There are teachers... and then there are Educators!

_________________
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Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:37 am
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Real Name: George Bailey
cmica wrote:


little long....

I had this idea that I was going to rape a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then..................................................................................................................That deer EXPLODED.







:peep:

_________________
"Remove one freedom per generation and soon you will have no freedom and no one would have noticed."......Carl Marx

"Let us Cross the river and sit in the shade of the trees" .....Stonewall Jackson

T. Jefferson "....the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. it is it's natural manure"


Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:45 am
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