Um...No. Double

...and

Pretty sure you need some of that electricity to run an electric chair.
Ever want to find out where Lil' Kim is, wouldn't be that hard.

Is it Odd that this was the funny part of the joke....

Double Gibbs FTW

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

Oldie but a goodie:

At dinner, a doctor asked an attorney friend, “People are always asking me for free medical advice. How should I handle that?”

The attorney said, “Y'know, same thing used to happen to me regarding legal advice. Then I just started sending people a bill and they stopped.”

The doctor said, “That’s brilliant!”

Two days later the doctor got a bill in the mail from the attorney.

Q: Did y'all hear what happened to Al Franken on the way to work today?
A: He's in bad shape. Some lady's ass assaulted his hand without provocation.

Clem was determined to teach his son about the birds and the bees...
So he called li'l Darrel into the kitchen and when he got there he said "Son Ima learn you 'bout the birds anna bees", and he threw his wife up on the kitchen table ...

He said: "Darrell, you see that hole between Ma's legs? Watch this!!" and he climbed up and started going at Ma...

Li'l Darrels other brother Dan'l came into the kitchen to see what was the clamour and asked his elder brother: "What's Pa doin' Darrel?"

Darrel said: "Pa's learnin' me 'bout the birds anna bees, Dan'l"

Dan'l says: "How's that?"

Darrel replied: "well, you see that hole between Pa's legs? Watch this!!!!"

How Old Guys Pick Up Women


I am getting on in years and am
not the best looking guy anymore.


Some would even say I'm a
little frayed around the edges...


But, I have a nice car, a little
money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling from
place to place and enjoying life.


I met a nice looking girl in a
park the other evening.


There was an instant spark between
us.


All of a sudden, she did this cute
little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay
on the grass at my feet.


As we lay there making love, I
thought ......
"Wow, these Tasers are
really worth the money!"

Cops are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs” … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”