One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma', how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that any of that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she pauses for a moment and then confesses. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of his wife's admission hitting him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye, he asks, “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the
entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into
the name "of an important human
body part which is most useful when erect".
Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending
Jokes via email.

2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room, 1st kid asks, "What are you in here for?" 2nd kid says, "getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous. 1st kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you Jelly & ice cream. It's a breeze." 2nd kid asks, "What are you here for?"1st kid says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!", the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!!!

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose."Why not?" asked the man."Because it's not safe," replied the doctor."But I need it really bad," said the man."Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I have to have a double dose."The doctor finally relented saying, "'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to ensure there haven't been any serious side effects."
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"The man said, "No one showed up!"

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Sounds like there wasn't enough hard time involved.

Witness said it all happened so fast....

There’s a new kiosk at the Costco store, this is how I found it…..
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Me,
> >”My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
> >
> >”Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
> >”There’s a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine
> >sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about
> >it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars – A lot cheaper than a
> >doctor.”
> >
> >So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He
> >deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
> >sample…. He pours the sample into the slot and waits…
> >
> >Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: ”You have tennis
> >elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity…. It will
> >improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco!”
> >
> >That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
> >began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
> >
> >He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
> >his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
> >
> >Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
> >dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
> >
> >The computer prints the following:
> >1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
> >2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
> >3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> >4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
> >5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> >better!
> >
> >Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes
(he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green,red,
Orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time..

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's
the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response. I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.
'OLD'
IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Size Matters
Women's response to a survey on size........
2 inches - I can't even hold it!
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.....
4 inches - I've had bigger than this.....
5 inches - Good, but I wish for a bigger one!
6 inches - Perfect!
7 inches - Love it.....
8 inches - Wow!, but can't have it all...
9 inches - Painful, but manageable!
10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach....
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of 'Subway' Sandwiches.
What were you thinking it was?

Big Earthquake hits the Middle East!

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the
infrastructure.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless President Trump.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."