Let me preface this by saying I am fond of health food bars in theory. They are often handy and good ones are a decent way to have a quick pick me up, or a respectable snack, or something to chew on in the morning while brooding over a cup of coffee and pondering the unspeakable horrors of life.
Speaking of unspeakable horrors, allow me to introduce you to one.
Imagine if you will, a food bar with a few good sounding words on it. "Protein", "peanut butter" "cacao". Ok groovy, because peanut butter, cacao and protein are all nice things to have. Also, how the hell can you fuck up peanut butter and cacao? Short answer is that you can fuck it up hard. Like Hillary Clinton private email servers hard. Like Richard Nixon and Watergate hard. Like Robert E Lee at Gettysburg hard. This is a form of fail that defies explanation. But I am going to try.
Now I tend to ignore marketing and such on health bars, because they are invariably marketed towards smug hipsters, self styled greenies, and other lower forms of animal life that make no real contribution to society. In this case, the marketing on the bars is no exception. With a name like Health Warrior, a logo of some nondescript primitive warrior from a culture that had apparently not evolved beyond pointy sticks, and an encouragement to visit their website and "join the tribe", I should have realized a high level of food fuckery was going on behind the shiny wrapper, but alas I did not heed the niggling warning growing in the back of my head as I tossed these abominations into my grocery cart.
Once I got home I decided to try one, and here good reader is when things get truly unfortunate. Upon innocently opening the bar, I was greeted with what could only be described as something resembling "shit with seeds." Here is where Health Warrior demonstrated an uncanny knack to take seeds, peanut butter, cacao nibs, and honey and turn them into something a famine victim would reject offhand. Biting into it, I had the reasonable expectation of peanut butter and some sort of cacao. Instead I was greeted with a sour, flavorless taste that made me triple check the expiration date (much to my surprise, they were still well within date.) Bravely moving forward, I decided to actually chew this unholy creation, and was greeted with a crunchy mess that only grew increasingly off putting the more I tried to eat it. What made it especially memorable (aside from the increasingly sour taste) were the seeds that soon became gelatinous as I tried to eat them and stuck in my teeth and to the roof of my mouth, leaving these slimy little bits of seed all over.
After spitting this vile mess out, brushing my teeth, and rinsing my mouth out with rum, I stared at the evil thing on my table that dared advertise itself as food. I could feel it mocking me, my cat sniffed it and tried to bury it, and I am assured by Thurston County that if I throw it in my garbage can, I will be charged with illegal disposal of hazardous material.
Lesson learned. Don't buy this crap. What the fuck are "ancient grains"? Why aren't modern grains good enough? Do people eat this crap, and if so does the misery and suffering they go through while choking down what looks like a shit encrusted demon cock serve as some sort of atonement for eating too many steaks or Big Macs? Whatever the reason for selling this thing, pleasurable eating cannot be one of them. I would avoid these things like a Bill and Hillary sex tape. Except, I'm pretty sure watching Bill go down on Hillary would be less nauseating.